Saturday, 16 July 2011

5 Reasons Why God Wants You to be a Homosexual

In response to "Movie69"'s request this post is about religion. Instead of giving a well reasoned argument why you are too old for imaginary friends however, I will give evidence from the book of the lord himself that he wants YOU to engage in acts of homosexuality. Incidentally I am going straight to hell. But hey it's got to be better than heaven which is full of fire and brimstone preachers and holier-than-thou fundamentalists.

Now I couldn't find either of my King James Bibles so I have resorted to stealing my sister's "New World Translation" bible, which I am sure is just a pseudonym to the much vaunted NIV bible. Oh well, it will just have to do.

So why doth thy Lord request thee to engage thy neighbour in butt-piracy?

Need I say more?

1. Genesis 1:26 "And God went on to say "Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness"".
What does this mean? If there are homosexuals in the human race, well it's all because that is the likeness of God, since man was created in His likeness. Furthermore, if you are turned on by a man's good looks, then it is because he is the likeness of our Lord. In essence if you love a man then you love God by proxy.

2 Genesis 9:13 "My rainbow, I do give in the cloud, and it must serve as a sign between me and you and every living soul that is with you for generations to time indefinite". Here God is openly declaring his support of the gay flag and hence homosexuals forever and ever.

3 Numbers 17:1-2 Jehovah (God) now spoke to Moses, saying: "Speak to the sons of Israel and take from them one rod for each paternal house from all their chieftains, by the house of their fathers , twelve rods. You will write the name upon his rod.""  So He supports oral sex. Numbers 17:4: "And you must deposit them in the tent of the meeting before the testimony  where I regularly  present myself to you". God happily organizes and participates in orgies. 

4. Judges 2:15 "Everywhere they went out, the hand of Jehovah (God) proved to be against them for calamity, just as Jehovah had spoken and just as Jehovah had sworn to them, and they got to be in very sore straits". Misspelling aside, God promised his followers some straight men and he delivers, much to the soreness of the straights' derriere.

 5. And here is another from the mouth of Jesus himself: John 13:34 "I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another; just as i have loved you, that you also love one another." Clearly though, Jesus isn't talking about homosexuality, he is talking about bisexuality.

And that's all I can be bothered for now folks. If you really want, I can make a part two of this, I'm sure I can quote out of context as good as any priest. Also let me know if you want me to add one! And I shall.

Oh and apparently I was wrong, this is the 7th Day Adventist bible, close enough right?


  1. LOL! Hilarious and very creative.

    I have always loved you, but now you have won my heart irrevocably.

    See you in hell.

  2. If there really is a God, you will have some serious explaining to do... LOL! Read the Song of Solomon, hottest passage in the Bible!